Sickipedia

I had a letter come through my letterbox this morning addressed to 'The Occupier'. So I've sent it to the correct address, the state of Israel.

Over the weekend I signed a £200k a week contract to join Manchester City next season as their new striker. Just need them to sign it now. (One of my own from the original site, so fuck off you duplicate Nazis)

Mary had a little lamb It had a massive pair of bollocks They both sit outside the off-licence Because they're full blown alcoholics Mary's been doing crystal meth Pretty much all day Her lamb got raped by a dog And now he's fucking gay Mary just made it into school She was running down the halls When she tripped and fell and bumped her head On that lamb's fucking massive balls

Apprehended The new app that reminds you your hen is dead.

I still can't work out if turning my fridge thermostat down from 5 to 1 on the dial makes it colder or warmer. It could mean from 5° to 1° which would indicate cooler or it could suggest that 5 is the fridge on full power for maximum coldness and towards 1 will make it warmer. And then you're never sure if there is a standard design across all the different fridge brands! I'll just leave it at 3 like I always do.

I thought I'd see what happens when you put a mollusc in a puddle of water. I ended up pooling a mussel

If an all-electric Range Rover runs out of battery power, is it then just called a Range Over?

I went to go to the vagina museum but accidentally went in the building next door. The place was a shit hole.

I came 1st place in the 'European Groping Championships' I won it hands down.

I see John McCain has finally died. Personally, I only really liked the first 2 Die Hard movies.