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An old man dies and goes to heaven, he arrives at the pearly gates and goes up to St Peter, and St Peter says to him "excuse me sir while I check your Lie Clock", the old man asks "Lie Clock?", St Peter explains "well everyone has a Lie Clock, for each lie you tell you have to wait one minute to get into heaven, here's Abraham Lincoln's for example, his only moved twice so he only had to wait two minutes, and Stephen Hawking's never moved at all so he got straight in", the old man says "oh I see now, right well before you check mine I want to see Boris Johnson's" St Peter replies "oh it's in Jesus's office, he's using it as a ceiling fan"

I tell her, "I wanted the fork" She telling me, "Everybody want to fuck" I say, "You no understand I wanna fork on my table" She said "You better not fuck on the table, you son of a bitch!" I don't even know the lady and she's calling me "son of a bitch" - Gino D'Acampo

BREAKING NEWS: Several WWE talents have been suspended after testing positive for four substances that have recently been banned under WWE's wellness policy Toothpaste, Mouthwash, Soap & Shampoo

BREAKING NEWS: Following his recall after breeching his license conditions, Gary Glitter has announced he is to release new album from inside prison, Tracks include Hello Hello, It's Good to Be Banged Up Again Another Stoney Lonesome Christmas I Love You Love Because You're Only Two Love She Was Only Thirteen Baby Love, My Baby Love Oh You Are A Mucky Kid I Don't Know I Loved You Till Saw You On the Dark Web Doing Time For Touching, There? Where? Dalai Lama Be in My Gang, My Gang, My Gang

A woman had decided to take up golf, so she decided to check out a golf club up in Glasgow. She went to talk to the chairman about obtaining a membership He pulled her aside and said "You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?..." She says "yeah I came up to Scotland to check out the golf clubs as Scotland is famous for it's golf". He says "right you are aware that no women have ever joined this club before?..." She says "well theirs a first time for everything..." He says "you are aware everyone in the club is required to wear a kilt" She says "i'm ok with that, I sometimes wear tartan skirts anyway" He says "are you aware traditionally the kilt has to be worn a certain way" She says "what with the sporran and the knife in the sock?" He says "no I'm afraid you'd have to wear nothing underneath, you wouldn't be able to wear any knickers" She says "kilts are thick wool so I'll be really warm, I don't think I'd need knickers to be honest" He says "look I'm sorry, I can't let you join, the male members wouldn't feel comfortable if they saw your vagina" She says "so you mean to tell me this club only takes on pricks?..."

When it Comes Crashing Down and It Hurts Inside....the Epstein Files

Guess it's time to tie his kangaroo down

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