Sickipedia

What's the difference between a feminist and a baby? The baby eventually grows up and stops crying.

Moderators. Once again, I'll try to communicate with you. I have supplied my email address so as you can see I'm not a troll or using this site to post spammy jokes or fight with others. I DO NOT use this website! I only noticed the user named 'JohnPercivalOxford' when I came here for the first time in months to see what Vegas jokes were trending. The user 'JohnPercivalOxford' is NOT me. I want the profile removed! If I have to go down the road of involving solicitors, then I will. So Stephen McLawrence, or Matt Pickles, or whatever person is using the name 'fuckoff' stop arguing with imaginary people and stop using my name in your posts. If I wanted to ruin this website I wouldn't be doing it behind a fake name such as this 'Hannah' or whoever it is posting shit on this site. Why don't you have a word with your old mate Adam. Or any one of the other enemies you made over the last 6 years. I have no interest in this site. I'm only posting this because none of you have the balls to message me on Facebook and actually talk to me in person.

Had my Brummie friend round last night for a few drinks. "You want to watch a film?" I asked. "Yeah ok." She replied. "What about Titanic?" I said. "What's that about?" She asked. "Yeah." I said. "A fucking big one. Struck an iceberg and sank."

What do you call an Irish Rastafarian? Eamon.

I've been reading Jonathan Ross' new book about all the cannabis he used to smoke as a teenager. I'll be honest. It was a really good weed.

It's a good thing that sexual innuendo isn't a crime. I'd definitely be going down.

Went to the church this morning to put some flowers on some relatives graves and whilst I was there, I noticed 4 grave diggers wandering about with a coffin. Nothing strange about that. Well, I've just been back past the church and the same 4 grave diggers are there, wandering about with the same coffin. I reckon they've lost the fucking plot.

At breakfast this morning, my 4 year old daughter asked me, "Daddy, what were you and Mummy doing in the bedroom last night, I could hear a buzzing noise, then Mummy started to scream?" "Erm.. Oh.. Erm.. Nothing sweetie." I replied nervously. It was then, as the the wife came down the stairs, I burst out laughing. She looks so fucking stupid with half of her head shaved.

Why has the Lamborghini driver got the roof down on his car in October? Because he's a cunt.

I'd love to take the members of ABBA out for a meal. I would my friend, for Nando's.