Sickipedia

I was in town today when some bloke asked, "Have you got a light mate?" I replied, "No, they're all fat bastards."

I answered the phone today and a man said, "Is that 555 double 55?" "Yes it is." I replied. "Can you do me a favour," he asked, "can you dial 999 and tell them I've got my finger stuck on 5?"

I went to the cinema with my blonde girlfriend and when we first went in she found a big wedge of £50 notes on the floor. I told her to put them down her knickers until we left. When we came out I said to her, "Give me that money then." She checked her knickers and said, "Its gone" "What do you mean it's gone." I asked. "It must have been the guy sitting next to me." "Why did you let him do that?" I demanded. She said, "Well how was I to know he was a thief."

I couldn't believe it when my grandmother died on her 100th birthday. We were only halfway through the bumps.

My friend said he thinks I've put on weight. Its not my fault, I've had a lot on my plate recently

I was really shocked when my wife fell down a wishing well. I didn't think they worked.

My Dad always told me you should never raise your hand to a woman. You'll leave your bollocks exposed.

The nurses at my grandads' old peoples home have nicknamed him Spiderman. He can't get out of the bath on his own.

I ordered a leather sofa from IKEA. They sent me a cow with instructions on how to skin it.

Just sold my homing pigeons in eBay. For the 22nd time.