Sickipedia

I couldn't believe it today when my son came home with two armchairs and a settee. I've told him a million times, never accept suites from strangers.

I hate it when my Chav girlfriend gets changed into her pyjamas. I don't know if she's going to bed or going out shopping.

My wife asked me to give her some peace and quiet earlier whilst she made dinner. So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

I've just walked past a homeless guy with a sign that read: 'One day this could be you.' So I put my pound back in my pocket, just in case he's right.

I ordered a leather sofa from IKEA. They sent me a cow with instructions on how to skin it.

I couldn't believe it when my grandmother died on her 100th birthday. We were only halfway through the bumps.

What have Kermit the Frog and Henry the VIII got in common? They both have the same middle name.

The police in my town have launched a clampdown on people using Spice and Black Mamba. The two local West Indian prostitutes are fucking fuming.

I love how music can take you to another place. For example, the pub I'm in are playing Ed Sheeran, so I'm fucking off to another pub.

My wife calls my cock 'The Firework.' Not because it lights up her evening, but because she likes to keep it at arms length since it went off in her face that one time.