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I was looking over into next-door's garden, when I saw my neighbour Mohammed and his wife, burying their daughter up to her neck and about to throw rocks at her head. Anyway, I called the police and I'm happy to say that British justice has prevailed - I've been charged with religious intolerance and Islamophobia.

Dame Barbara Windsor urges Boris Johnson to sort out dementia care. Boris says `I wouldn't mind, but that's the fifth time she's asked me this week"

Norman, an old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more for old time's sake. He engages a woman of the night and takes her up to her room. He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?' The lady smoothly replies, 'Well Norman, you old sailor, you're doing about three knots.' 'Three knots?' he asks. ' What's that supposed to mean?' She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back.'

A Pakistani Airlines plane has crashed in Karachi. The plane disappeared from radar but the wreckage was traced by the stench.

A woman is recovering in hospital after having a settee dropped on her from the window of a flat. Doctors say that she's doing well sofa.

The other day I was having sex with this married woman when her husband came home early. She told me I’d have to use the back door and said I’d have to be quick. On reflection, I should have just left, but it’s not every day you get an offer like that.

As the storm raged, the captain realised his ship was sinking...fast. So he shouted out, "Anyone here knows how to pray?" Just one guy stepped forward and said, "Aye, captain, I know how to pray." "Good," said the captain, "You pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets, - we're one short."

"Look love, after 25 years of marriage and catching me having one crafty wank isn't so bad surely? It's perfectly natural you know." "Natural? Fucking natural? Normal people just toss dirt in the grave at their mother-in-law's funeral."

Tesco have started stocking the new range of turkeys from Corbyn Farms in time for Christmas. They come already stuffed.

British boy, 15, dies falling from seventh floor window on Spanish language trip What's the Spanish for Oh shiiiiittttt!?