Sickipedia

Liverpool pop group killed in US car crash Hers today, gone tomorrow

I was looking over into next-door's garden, when I saw my neighbour Mohammed and his wife, burying their daughter up to her neck and about to throw rocks at her head. Anyway, I called the police and I'm happy to say that British justice has prevailed - I've been charged with religious intolerance and Islamophobia.

Was in the pub last night with a few mates and these four huge bastards started mouthing off at us. "Pretend we're the police" my mate said. I only got half-way through the first verse of Roxanne before they kicked the shit out of us.

Norman, an old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more for old time's sake. He engages a woman of the night and takes her up to her room. He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?' The lady smoothly replies, 'Well Norman, you old sailor, you're doing about three knots.' 'Three knots?' he asks. ' What's that supposed to mean?' She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back.'

Dame Barbara Windsor urges Boris Johnson to sort out dementia care. Boris says `I wouldn't mind, but that's the fifth time she's asked me this week"

"Look love, after 25 years of marriage and catching me having one crafty wank isn't so bad surely? It's perfectly natural you know." "Natural? Fucking natural? Normal people just toss dirt in the grave at their mother-in-law's funeral."

British boy, 15, dies falling from seventh floor window on Spanish language trip What's the Spanish for Oh shiiiiittttt!?

Welsh chipshop owner accused of killing his wife with boiling oil. He's being charged with battering her.

A Sussex man has been arrested concerning the murder of Nicola Stevenson and disposing of her body in a wheelie bin. He's been accused of putting the body in the wrong bin - she should have gone in recycling.

As the storm raged, the captain realised his ship was sinking...fast. So he shouted out, "Anyone here knows how to pray?" Just one guy stepped forward and said, "Aye, captain, I know how to pray." "Good," said the captain, "You pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets, - we're one short."