Sickipedia

Everyday my 90 year old neighbour who has alzhiemers knocks on my door and asks me if I've seen his wife . And everyday I have to tell that 90 year old man his wife has been long dead . You know I have thought of not answering the door I have even thought about moving house . But you know it's worth it, each time just to see the smile on his face..

I find as I get older I only need 3 shops in my life, Specsavers, Boots and Greggs. My life is all specs and drugs and sausage rolls.

Baby crying on a plane. Guy beside me "can there be anything more annoying than a baby crying on a plane?" Me : pulling out a kazoo "Let's find out"

Thought I saw the first ever scouser super hero today, he was running down our street wearing a cape. Turns out he hadn't paid for his haircut .

They used to call me Mr Lover Lover, until one night I had anal sex with a girl that had cerebral palsy. Now they call me Mr Bum Spastic.

A mouse walks up to the watering hole in the jungle . He shouts at the "hippo you get the fuck out of the water" the hippo gets out and the mouse says "fine you can get back in" He shouts at the elephant "you fatso get out the water" the elephant gets out, the mouse says "ok you can get back in" he then does this to the gorilla, giraffe and rhino . Finally the lion snaps and says "what's your fucking problem mouse?" The mouse says "I wanted to see which one of you bastards pinched my trunks"

What do people that use u instead of you and M8 instead of mate do with with all that precious time they've saved?

A huge flying saucer lands at a petrol station in the middle of nowhere. The alien gets out and asks the attendant to "fill her up with unleaded". The attendant starts to fill it up but when it gets to £300 he gets a bit concerned and says "I hope you can pay for this " The alien says "don't worry I can cover it". After several more assurances that the alien can pay eventually all the pumps are empty and the bill is £20,000 they go inside to settle up and the alien says " have you got change for a bleem?"

An Englishman an Englishman and an Englishman go into a pub.

If you had a pound for every wank you have had during lockdown. What type of porsche would you buy?