Sickipedia

Rich kids have silver spoons. Poor ones have Wetherspoons

My wife says I'm obsessed with Facebook. I said, "Well how do you like that."

Teacher asks Leroy, "What does deceitful mean." Leroy replied, "Its when you get on the bus and there's nowhere to sit."

Today is International Women's Day. But it has been cancelled. The reason............. Because!!

I went into the local library and asked if they had any books on the Titanic. "Oh yes, quite a few," the librarian said. "Sorry to hear that," I said laughing, "They'll all be fucking ruined by now.".

An asylum seeker is at the side of the road eating grass. A man pulls up in his car and says, "Hey! Don't eat that. Come home with me and I'll feed you." The asylum seeker replies, "I have three wives and ten kids, can they come too?" The man replied, "Fuck off, I've only got a small lawn."

Its quite ironic that 'strap on' backwards spells 'no parts'

Sister Mary and Sister Barbara were driving along a country road when the Devil appeared on the bonnet of their car and made menacing gestures. "Quick," said Sister Mary, "show him your cross" Sister Barbara leaned out the window and yelled, "Pissoff, you bastardd, I'll kick you in the balls if you try that again. Don't mess with me you prick"

I'm pleased to announce I've started a new business, involving charities and recycling. I nick the bags left outside Oxfam and flog the good stuff on Ebay.

I'm not saying that my prostate examiner has the fattest index finger I've ever seen, but it's definitely up there.