Sickipedia

A Scottish Sergeant Major, in full dress uniform, marches into a pharmacy. Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds - to reveal a condom. The condom has a number of patches on it. The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically. "How much to repair it?' he asks the chemist. "Six pence" says the chemist. "How much for a new one?" "Ten pence" says the chemist. He painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran, and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging. A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout. He marches back into the chemists and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face. "The regiment has taken a vote," he says. "We'll have a new one

I for one am getting increasingly fed up of the relentless villification of Philip Schofield in the media. I'm quite sure that it won't be long before he comes up with a perfectly reasonable and indeed, plausible explanation for his relationship with the young man he met as a child and later got a job for on ITV as his personal assistant. G. Glitter Bangkok

Guess now we know Huw it is

A bloke goes down on a woman, and finds bits of corn and carrot in her flange... "Are you sick?" he asks? "No", she replies, "but the bloke before you was!"

I took a date to the bar. As I gazed into her eyes. I felt the butterflies in my stomach. I knew right there.... I had roofied the wrong glass

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS: 40-ish......................... 49 Adventurous.....................Slept with all your mates Athletic.........................No tits Average looking............Has a face like an arse Contagious Smile..........Does a lot of pills Emotionally Secure........On medication Feminist.........................Fat Free spirit......................Junkie Friendship first...............Former $lut Fun...............................Annoying Gentle...........................Dull Good Listener...............Autistic New-Age......................Body hair problems Open-minded.................Desperate Outgoing........................Loud and Embarrassing Passionate......................Sloppy drunk Poet...............................Depressive Professional............... ...Bitch Romantic.......................Frigid Social............................Pussy like a clowns pocket Voluptuous....................Very Fat Large lady.....................Hugely Fat Seeking knight in shining armour............her ex is a fucking nutcase Widow...........................Murderer

A woman walks out of the shower, winks at her boyfriend, and says, "Honey, I shaved myself down there. Do you know what that means?" The boyfriend says, "Yeah, it means the drain is clogged again."

I like watching my wedding video backwards. Especially the bit at the beginning when I take the ring off her finger and she disappears back down the aisle

Just been watching that Jimmy Saville documentary but it's a bit difficult to follow as it mixes original stuff with current stuff .......its like now, then, now, then, now, then

Noddy Holder was caught having a snack in class. His teacher let out a roar “HOLDER, WHAT ARE YOU EATING?” He shouted back ”IT’S CRISPS MISS!”