Sickipedia

Had a nut roast earlier . . . Caught me bollocks on the radiator whilst opening the window.

My wife came home early to find me fucking our pet labrador up the arse. "WHAT'S THE MEANING OF THIS?!" She bawled. I told her, it was a word that refers to a specific word previously mentioned.

Ryuichi Sakamoto now decomposing

My wife tells me I'm a big softie. Loves making fun of my erectile dysfunction.

Read in the papers today, a man killed for his Rolex by hammer gang had 'heart of gold'. So not just the watch they were after then.

I was having dinner with the Elephant Man the other day and pointed out that he'd got some gravy on his chin. "Thank you!" he replied, giving it a wipe. "Can't have people staring at me."

Pat Sharp has stepped down from Greatest Hits Radio after making an inappropriate joke about a woman's breast. Quite right too. What a tit!

Imagine if you will, a military building designed to be defended from attack, consisting of an area surrounded by a strong wall. Which you could place in the palm of your hand. Hold that fort.

Just heard Angela Lansbury has died after someone pushed her into the canal. Murder she float.

Why when asked "If you were to bring one item to a desert island, what would you bring?" does no one ever answer, "boat"?!