Sickipedia

My wife has stood by me for the last 20 years. . Probably about time I let that lazy bitch sit down for a change.

I had a argument with the legendary Scottish singer Ricky Ross last night and ended up rolling on the floor and strangling him.... Deacon's blue .. (No you fuck off)

Being terrored by a wasp in the garden all afternoon. . My wife asked.... "Isn't that driving you mad!?" Nah it's buzzing, I replied!.

Just been banned from Asda ... How the fuck was I to know she meant for my groceries when she asked if I wanted a bag with that!? (Shout out to Stallion)

Just nicknamed the missus wasp ... She's always in me face and ready to kick off (I'm sure they have been on steds this summer)

I have quite a reputation in my local area for making women wet... This new hosepipe is brilliant.

How come we always lose our phone when it's on silent..!??? But we never lose the missus when she is ...

I think all the protesters in London are just warming up for the Kaiser Chiefs 20 year gig in Brighton next Sunday. I predict a riot. I will see my self out.....

Congratulations to the England lionesses .. Now get back home and sort the fucking kids out

I drink Budweiser light, watch women's football, get down to a bit of Fleetwood Mac and bat for both teams ... Still seems better than saying I support Manchester United.