Sickipedia

Have you noticed how many F1 drivers have names linked to Scottish towns? Stirling Moss, Lewis Hamilton, Eddie Irvine.......Ayr Town Centre....

My Chinese neighbour said he's just opened a crows shop. Speaking slowly, I said "you mean a *clothes* shop?" He says, "No, a crows shop - come in and have a rook."

At the barbers today, I asked to have my hair cut like Tom Cruise. So he gave me a cushion to sit on.

I'm taking up scuba diving on the cheap. Instead of using a cylinder I'll be using a bag of Walker's crisps - there's enough air in it to stay submerged for 2 hours...

The last entry in Anne Frank's diary; "Today is my birthday and father has bought me a drum kit....."

"Sorry" seems to be the hardest word. Unless you're Chinese, then it's "squirrel"....

I went on a date with a blonde woman last night. "Do you have any kids?" she asked. "Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's just under two." She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."

I'll never forget the poignant nature of Anne Frank's very last entry in her diaries..... "Today it is my birthday. Father has bought me a drum kit...."

Las Vegas and Scunthorpe:- the only two places in the world where you can pay for sex with chips....

After dropping my new girlfriend home the other night after our first date, she told me I'd have to wait 3 months before she would have sex with me. I told her I totally understood and respected her decision and that I'd ring her again nearer that time.