Sickipedia

My Dad is still having regular sex at 72 the dirty bastard....he lives with my Mom at number 45

Theres a new social media platform for battered women Twatter

I met a girl in the club and we got on so well I asked if I could go back to her flat and have sex. "I'm sorry" she said "but i'm on my menstrual cycle" "That's OK " I said "you lead the way and i'll follow on my Honda 50"

What do you call a Muslim Woman? Bin t

What do you call a hungry homeless Muslim? Bin Diver

To the one legged mugger dressed in camoflage combat trousers and Jacket who stole my wallet today. You can't run..............but you CAN hide

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats in London and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when Custard Cream supplies all but ran out. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate military posturing" Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada. The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years. The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability. The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgium does not have a government, so is incapable of having any terrorist warning level. All on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels. The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the modern Spanish fleet can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy. New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!" Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Shut, I hope Austrulia will come end riscue us". In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position, called Bondi. It might be worth noting that New Zealand would be unable to raise an army as its soldiers are all currently deployed playing orcs in the upcoming Hobbit movie. Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled." It should be noted that there has not been a situation yet that has warranted the use of the final escalation level.

3 lads are duiscussing which is the best pub in the UK. The English bloke says "It's the Seven Bells in London, you buy one and get one free all night!" "bollocks" says the Scotsman , "It's the Swinging Sporran in Glasgow ....your first drink is free , then its buy one get one free all night" "beejasus that's nothing " said the Paddy. " It's the Green Leprechaun in Belfast. You go in and all the drinks are free, they give you a steak dinner for free, then they take you upstairs for a shag and a blow job.....all free!" The other 2 lads don't believe it " how do you know you get all that , when did you visit/" "oh I haven't been " said Paddy ..."but my sister swears its true!"

Stupid Pakis are snorting Vindaloo powder in Leicester , it's bad stuff , one kid is in hospital.....been in a Korma for 3 days