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Got myself a cryin', talkin', sleepin', walkin', livin' doll. Got seven years as well, bitch was only fourteen and cried rape.

Buried my father today. To be fair, his jokes were fucking shit,

I had a traditional English Sunday morning breakfast today. Three quarters of a pint of flat Stella and a half eaten cold chicken tikka masala.

I made £58 in just over an hour today. I smashed the only public telephone box on the council estate up then charged the smackheads £2 a time to use my mobile.

My plain frumpy overweight teenage daughter was going out. I felt so sorry for her, never had a boyfriend, never been touched, no real friends, just tried to hang with the popular girls. So I decided to do something about it. I called her an UBER.

Reading about the chap who has got brain cancer, best wishes pal. I lost my wife and daughter to cancer, the cunt was a far better card player than me.

I got cornered by this fucking big nigger with a knife in Lewisham, London, "You don't want to do this to me, " I said to him, "I'm not from around here, I'm American. " "So fucking what, " he replied, "wallet, watch and phone now. " So I shot him.

I'm actually a very thrifty shopper and respect supermarkets have to make a profit to operate so I wait until around eleven at night when goods are reduced before I do my shoplifting.

I was in cash converters selling the wife's life support machine for drug money and there was a nigger in there buying a used bike for his sweet little girl niglet. It was touching, she was almost in tears. I still rang the police though, he'd obviously just mugged someone and stole a purse or wallet to pay for it.

I was in town when this tramp approached me, "Any change mister?" he asked. "Sorry pal, none, " I replied, "still in the same six bed roomed house and driving a two year old BMW. But ask next year as I'm hoping to get a Mercedes. Thanks for thinking of me. "