Sickipedia

The wife said she got an ever ready chicken for tea.. I said "don't you mean oven ready" She said" no, it's a battery hen.

My new love interest told me she's had enough of my CB obsession and is refusing to take my calls. I think its over,over.

Martin Sheen American Barry Sheen British Mr Sheen polish

I went to school with Ivor Bigun nice kid. always boasting about the size of his knob

Not a lot of people know this. But the singer Bill Withers had a brother called Bear, who wrote telephone hold music.

I caught my son last night in his bedroom, eating electrical cord. So I've grounded him until he conducts himself properly.

The government has pledged to send vegetables as food aid to the people of Gaza, thus doing its bit for peas in the Middle East. I'll get my coat.

Jilly Cooper has died at the age of 88 following a fall. She fell into the arms of the Grim Reaper. His bony arms belied his strength as he cradled her like a timorous kitten. His eye sockets like unplumbed depths held her mesmerised as she felt her former life dropping away to be replaced by a hunger, a need, to be with him for all eternity. He leaned in as she arched her neck ready to receive his kiss. The kiss of Death. The kiss of Life. The only kiss that would ever matter to her again.

Claire Skies? I went to school with her. She's a meteorologist now.

The BBC are trying to flog a phone contract based on the Proms network. If you receive such a call please be aware its a Sim-Phoney. How do u think I feel? I come up with these things