Sickipedia

Afghan man, 45, marries girl aged SIX before Taliban intervene. And say he must wait until she is NINE. Afghan complains that she won't be a virgin by then.

Bashar al-Assad is in a hospital in Moscow, receiving a chin transplant.

I went to a pub with a sign that said “No WiFi, pretend it’s 1970” So I paid 12p, called the black landlord “boy” & lit up a fag.

Lindsay Lohan is a doting mother. Finally, a reason to take her top off.

If you go to a pub wearing a tennis outfit... you'll get served straight away

Barman: what can I get you Santa? Santa: Bells, Single all the way

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman 'Can I have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie ?'. The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie, he then leaves. The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round) gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves. The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman'. The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down. The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, the barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year. In walks the rabbit and says, 'A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman', smiling and accepting the tributes of the masses. The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties'. The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, 'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie'. The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it ?' The masses bated breath is ear shatteringly silent. The barman, with a roguish smile says 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends, I know you'll love it'. 'Ok' says the rabbit,' I'll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie'. The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie, he then waves to the crowd and leaves .... ..... NEVER TO RETURN !!!!!! One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his) calls time. When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar. The barman says, 'Who are you ?' To which he is answered, 'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house'. The barman says, 'I remember you, you made me famous, you would come in every night and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, masses came to see you and this place was famous.' The rabbit says, 'Yes I know'. The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead.' The rabbit said 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it'. The barman said 'You never came back, what happened ?' 'I DIED', said the Rabbit. 'NO!' said the barman, 'what from ?' After a short pause. The rabbit said... 'Mixin'-me-toasties'

Sober October is shit.. Can’t wait for Mortal Drunk November !!

The barman last night kept calling me Aul, so I smashed his face in. Nobody takes the P out of my name.

I read a news story this morning about this guy who'd been conscripted into the Ugandan army as a child and somehow managed to survive the atrocities despite being shot and wounded several times, including being left for dead after being shot in the neck. UN soldiers had taken pity on him and arrangements were made for him to emigrate to the UK with his wife and young child. He arrivied here speaking no English, but was determined not to rely on government handouts, so studiously set about to learn the language and put himself through catering school. After finishing his course, he got a job in Wetherspoons as a assistant chef and gradually worked his way up to manager. What a heart wrenching story... Surviving all that and ending up in Wetherspoons.