Sickipedia

A pensioner died eating paint, thinking it was yoghurt. Thoughts are with his family during this emulsional time.

My favourite new sport is playing Necrophilia Roulette. The rules are simple, you visit an intensive care unit and switch off the life support machine of a patient. Then have sex with them and see if you can finish before they flat line.

When Hamlet holds up a skull and talks to it saying things like "Alas, poor Yorick" in a Shakespeare play, everyone thinks it's high-class and sophisticated. But when I do it, they say "You're scaring the children" and "Please leave the supermarket immediately" and "We're calling the police"

Felix baumgartner, the man who jumped from space, dies strapped to a kite.

The doctor who took care of my mother during her final days in the hospital was pretty hot and I'd like to ask her out. At least she knows I don't live with my mum.

I don't bother going to old friends and family funerals no more. After all the cunts won't be going to mine.

Boy '15' tragically dies In the River Kelvin hailed as a 'hero' Hero... wee guy couldn't even save his breathe

This one time at band camp.... I got to finger a floater.

Even at his funeral, the commentators still seem impressed by Jota's turn of pace. Apparently he's switched on the afterburners.

Apparently the Jota brothers funerals are being held tomorrow. Fuck me, they don't hang around in Portugal. They're not even cold yet.