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My wife was upset about being fat. "Keep your chin up," I said, "otherwise it looks like you've got three and it's disgusting."

Eating meals earlier may help contribute to weight loss, scientists say. This is particularly true if you eat chicken before it's done cooking.

I fancied a Chinese earlier. Then I found out she had a cock. Talk about sweet and sour.

Which journalist was the first to report on the ice cream man stabbed to death? Whoever it was, they got the scoop. I'll bet when the cops found the suspects they yelled "Freeze!" Justice will be served! They'll never get ouf of prison, even if they're 99 Those killers were emotionless, cold as ice. When I heard one of the murderers was a guy I thought, how dare 'e? Those killers should have spent more time in sundae school. They should put them on suicide watch, they might top themselves. and so on...

My wife asked me what was wrong with my eyes. I said, "They water when I run out of beer."

I was going to make a sandwich with the testicles of a young boy, the nipples of a young girl and a menstrual blood sauce but then I realised... I'm all out of bread.

My girlfriend said I could win Bake Off with my special bread. I'll prove it.

John Lewis has just announced their 2026 Christmas ad will launch on January 1st . FFS.

Psychopathic tendencies and black coffee.

I mixed a Zinger Fillet Burger with a Filet-O-Fish. It looked like a cunt, smelled like a cunt and it predictably had the taste of a cunt.