Sickipedia

I'm chatting up this lass in my local right now. Think some of my lines are working. She says she reckons I'm smooth-brained.

That time my Dad took me fishing as a boy: 'Got him! Quick, son, get the priest!' 'Fucking hell Dad, I'm not sure fish even have souls.'

Why do so many England fans at the Andorra game have their faces painted like mini roundabouts?.

I've been away for a while and just read the sad news on here. It's a real shame. I loved those Crocodile Dundee films.

So, yesterday was my Dad's funeral (yes, really). The service was very nice, afterwards we headed outside of the crematorium to shake hands with everyone who attended. Tell you what though, that undertaker bloke was a right weirdo. As I headed outside he said to me, 'Will you and your brothers be joining in the line-up with your Mum?' Some right sick fuckers going around...

Yearly check ups at the doctors can greatly improve your chances of catching prostate cancer... Why the fuck would I want to improve my chances of catching prostate cancer?

If foreign H1Bs are ruining the American economy, they should go back to making their own pencils, then.

I've been having sex with Abdul for years and it's amazing. We dress up in leather, I start with the spanking and then it's onto the weekend long anal and blowjob sessions before we fall asleep cuddling and kissing in a spunky, sweaty mess. Her first name's Paula.

It got suggested I should go to the art museum to meet worthwhile women, so I was walking around in Renaissance art and amazingly, this incredible lustly lady starts going "I love Reubens.".... Not sure why she went so cold when I commented he might have had a longer career if not for being busted wanking in that Florida porno theatre.

Jeremy Clarkson is a Columnist. Which is strange given that most of his opinions are pretty right wing.