Sickipedia

Finally watched Catwoman starring Halle Berry and it is just as disappointing as the critics say. Not once did she lick her own arsehole.

A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left with the hope that she would be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed over to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her upright. This went on all morning. Later, the family returned to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home. “So ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?” “It’s pretty nice,” she replied. “Except they won’t let me fart.”

I shoved a camera up my arse for a laugh, now I've got Polaroids

The Sweet once sang ♪ You can't put willy where willy won't go ♪. Well I've just watched 'Anal Whores And The Vegetable Garden' and I can only assume Mr Connelly and co had lead very sheltered lives.

What's red and sticky? Lennywankstains arse after delivering free clothes to his local migrant hotel.

Steps were fucking shit. So was that 'H' guy.

My wife stormed at me with a face like thunder; "Not only is our children's babysitter now pregnant, but she's also handicapped, and her family is charging that you are the father !" "Wait, wait, it's not possible that I am the father.... well, not unless some of it dribbled out of her arse."

I see the Pope has been discharged from hospital. Many years ago when I was a choirboy the Catholic priests used to leave me with their discharge. Oooooooh.

I'm on holiday in Amsterdam at the moment, and this week they had a Pride festival. The streets weren't too busy, though. I think most of them went up the canal.

If you ever walk into a gay bar by mistake, take care not to exclaim 'Fuck me!'