Sickipedia

I've been clean for a week now. However, I'm going to have to get out the bath now because I've run out of drugs.

I like my women like I like my hair. Spiked.

When I was young I took ecstasy and listened to Happy Hardcore. Now I take antidepressants and listen to the voices in my head.

They say most withdrawals often involve the opposite effects of the high that a drug produces - caffeine withdrawals making people extra drowsy, painkiller withdrawals will cause the user to feel intense pain for no reason, anti-depressant withdrawals make them feel suicidal.. In that case, I'm going to become an alcoholic then quit so I'll have better decision making ability, balance and super sharp vision!

'Endangered Dublin Zoo iguana died after suffering injuries during sex-' "Fucking shite gay scene in Dublin, what was I suppost to do?!" I told bemused zoo officials...

What do you call a black guy who fucks his girlfriend while finishing cheap Tesco cider? Straight, out of Compton.

A drunk stumbling through the woods comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He walks out into the water and bumps into the preacher. Almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, the preacher asks the drunk, “Are you ready to find Jesus?” The drunk answers, “Yes, I am.” So, the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water, pulls him up and asks, “Brother, have you found Jesus?” The drunk replies, “No, I haven’t found Jesus.” The preacher, shocked at his answer, dunks him again, a little longer this time. Pulling him out of the water again, he asks, “Now, have you found Jesus, my brother?” The drunk again answers, “No, I haven’t found Jesus.” By this time the preacher, at his wits end, dunks him again – this time holding him down until he begins kicking his arms and legs. Then he pulls him up. The preacher again asks, “For the love of God, have you found Jesus?” After first wiping his eyes and catching his breath, the drunk asks the preacher, “Are you sure this is where he fell in?”

I was taken to hospital with severe injuries after a head-on crash. I heard the staff saying that I would be going to theatre. I thought this ain't the time to watch phantom of the fucking opera.

Dry January is dragging a bit

Bill Gates is trying to develop clean drinking water made from human waste. The last time someone tried to make something drinkable from human waste. We ended up with Foster's Lager...