Sickipedia

That time my Dad took me fishing as a boy: 'Got him! Quick, son, get the priest!' 'Fucking hell Dad, I'm not sure fish even have souls.'

Why do so many England fans at the Andorra game have their faces painted like mini roundabouts?.

I've been away for a while and just read the sad news on here. It's a real shame. I loved those Crocodile Dundee films.

So, yesterday was my Dad's funeral (yes, really). The service was very nice, afterwards we headed outside of the crematorium to shake hands with everyone who attended. Tell you what though, that undertaker bloke was a right weirdo. As I headed outside he said to me, 'Will you and your brothers be joining in the line-up with your Mum?' Some right sick fuckers going around...

Went for a job with the RSPB. The panel asked what could I tell them about Barn Swallows. Me: Didn't he invent the Bouncing Bomb?.

My Austrian friend looked upset so I asked him what was up and he said there'd been a mass shooting in his homeland. 'Oh dear' I said, 'was anyone killed?' 'Nine' he replied. 'Well that's good news isn't it?' I said.

The Aga Khan, philanthropist and spiritual leader, dies aged 88. That's a pity. That 'I'm Every Woman' was a real toe-tapper.

"'JEW HUNT' IN SWEDEN" Not a good idea. Try Israel, they'll be a lot easier to find there.

My Muslim neighbour and I respect each other's culture. Every morning, he says: As salamu Alaikum. I reply: Is it, is it wicked!.

Thought I was sorted with a package holiday to Thailand, that had drugs included in the price. In retrospect, 2 weeks silent Medication was too good to be true.