Sickipedia

My son has the same colour eyes as my wife. Neither of them has learnt to duck when they piss me off.

If you shouldn't hit your kids, why are their heads at fist height?

I got home from the pub pissed as a fart, "Have you been on that fucking Stella again? " she yelled at me. "Yeah, what the fuck of it, " I answered back, then she took her teeth out, "You can fuck off, " she said, "these fuckers cost £850, you're not breaking your fists on these. "

What's the difference between an apple and a baby? With an apple you can just cut off all the bruises.

Donald Trump has come in for criticism for his executive order banning trans women from competing in women's sports. Isn't it kind of sexist to divide athletes up into male and female categories in the first place? In the interest of equality, I propose we do away with such discrimination altogether, and just have a single one-size-fits-all category. Especially for boxing, and full-contact martial arts.

I once gave my wife a black eye, and then she shouted for awhile after that because people noticed her shiner just on one side. So I hit her in the other, so she could look like a Giant Panda.

I made the wife a slap-up meal last night I ate it then gave her an uppercut

My wife refused me sex because she was so absurdly angry about it that Trump won again. Ultimately, Kamela Harris wasn't the only woman to get beaten badly that night.

My wife got smacked in the face by a boomerang. I didn't throw it, I just hit her with it.

'Ow! Ow! Ooooowwwww! I can feel the baby kicking!' said my pregnant wife. Good lad. He's going to be a chip off the old block all right.