Sickipedia

It's honestly amazing to me the kind of random damage that kids aged 7 - 12 can cause. It's really inconvenient for someone like me that's trying to run an overseas sweatshop.

My four year old daughter came into my bedroom in the middle of the night and said, "Daddy I'm scared. Can I sleep with you?" "No," I replied as I put her back in her bed, "I'm not having that fucking monster follow you into my room."

I got called into school by my 8 year old's teacher. When I got there I found myself in a room with him and the headmaster. "We asked the class to draw something that they liked to do with their parents, and Tom drew this," he said, sliding a piece of paper towards me. My blood ran cold as I looked at the picture. Despite the childish depiction, there was no doubting what the drawing was showing. "Look," I stammered, "It was only the one time and I can assure you that it won't happen again." "It's a little late for that don't you think?" remarked the headmaster, "I think this is a clear case of child abuse." "OK, OK! So I took him to see Tottenham Hotspur play for fucks sake, but I got the tickets free from a bloke in work."

A woman in India has given birth to a 23 pound baby. Doctors say little Sanjeev will be walking six months before his mum.

Who is the fucking retard killing all the content? What is the point? Is your life so devoid of anything you want to destroy a joke website? Not breast fed or something as a kid? Made to perform sex acts on your dad? No doubt having a wank now because you're getting some attention and you feel you control this site. Fucking prick.

When I was a child I had many imaginary friends. They were real people... I just imagined they were my friends

I’ve seen a bear open a door, climb a ladder, play a horn and ride a bike but I still don’t believe it can make porridge.

My emo son sighed and asked, "Why am I even fucking here?" "Because my credit card was declined at the abortion clinic," I replied.

The wife and I have decided not to have children. The kids are taking it pretty badly.

Me and my girlfriend were talking names for our baby, she said, "I want something original!" I said, "How about Werthers?"