Sickipedia

My son had this helmet-headset on and he said with a slack voice - "This game immerses you in galaxies of star systems, like never before." "Instead I'll immerse you in the experience of having a fucking job," I said as I unplugged him.

As I was leaving my sister's place my 3 year old nephew said "don't forget to like and subscribe" She lets him watch so much youtube the little fucker thinks that's how you say goodbye.

My grandad grew up in the 50s so he has all the classic traits of a gentleman, such as; knowing how to dress smart, knowing how to dance and knowing how to bust grandmas nose if dinner isn’t ready on time.

My boy is a thick dope smoking twat who failed all his exams. Anyway, like father like son.

My lad said he needed some advice. 'Dad, every time I go for a shit my cock goes into the water in the toilet bowl, what should I do?' I replied 'Well my advice is, if you can do that with your cock, you need to ask your mum who your real dad is'

Given the occasion, I'm taking my mother out for the day. One solid punch ought to do it.

A recent scientific study has found pregnant women who use vibrators are 90% more likely to have a child who stutters.

I looked at myself in the mirror this morning, took a deep breath and said: "Don't forget. You're a tiger. You're a tiger. You're a tiger." Then I mauled my daughter, pissed on the sofa and left the house to hunt antelope.

A human fart can be louder than a trombone. ...just another thing I learned at tonight's end-of-year school concert.

My son is terrified of the tigers at the zoo.. I Suppose I'll have to get him out of the cage in a minute..