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Mummy takes little Johnny to the zoo. As they pass the elephant cage, the elephant has an erection. "What's that, Mummy?" asks the child. "Nothing, Johnny, nothing," says the embarrassed mother, swiftly leading him on. A week later Johnny's dad takes him and the same happens. "What's that, Daddy?" "That, son, is the elephant's penis." "Mummy said it was nothing." "Your mother's spoilt, Son!"

A hunter accidentally shoots himself in the genitals with his shotgun. A few hours later, while lying in a hospital bed, he’s approached by his doctor. Doctor: “The good news is, you’re going to be okay. The bad news is there’s some pretty significant buckshot damage to your penis, so I’m going to have to refer you to my sister.” Hunter: “Is she a plastic surgeon?” Doctor: “No. She plays the flute… she’ll teach you where to put your fingers so you don’t piss in your face.”

A fireman was working on the engine outside the station when he noticed a little girl nearby. She was riding a little red pedal car with tiny ladders hanging off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a fireman’s helmet. The pedal car was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fireman walked over to take a closer look. “That’s a nice fire engine,” he said admiringly. “Thank you,” the girl replied. The fireman looked a little closer and noticed that the girl had tied the pedal car to her dog’s collar—and to the cat’s testicles. “Little girl,” the fireman said, “I don’t want to tell you how to run your apparatus, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar, I think you could go faster.” The little girl thought for a moment, then replied: “You’re probably right… but then I wouldn’t have a siren.”

Dogsbody14 and his sad little alias squad crawl out of the basement every single time someone drops a joke (even if it's an ancient repost). Zero original content, zero posts of their own - just pure venom. This account literally exists to shit on everyone else's fun while racing to be the first to hump every obvious spam bot's leg like it's family. Not a critic. Not funny. Just the unpaid janitor of Sickipedia, desperately mopping up other people's engagement because his own timeline is drier than a nun's knickers. Probably the one running half the spam himself so he can feel relevant for 0.3 seconds before getting ratio'd into the void. Touch grass? Nah - this thing's never even seen sunlight. Keep barking, little doggy. The adults are posting.

A brand-new teacher noticed that the kids kept teasing one boy, calling him “Mikey the Moron.” During recess, the teacher asked why. One of the boys said, “Because he is a moron! Watch this…” He held out a large 50-cent coin and a smaller one-dollar coin. Mikey looked at both and—just like the kids expected—took the 50-cent piece. Later, the teacher pulled Mikey aside and gently said, “Mikey, the 50-cent coin may be bigger, but the one-dollar coin is worth more. You understand that, right?” Mikey sighed and replied, “Of course I understand that, sir.” “Then why do you always choose the 50-cent coin?” the teacher asked. Mikey grinned and said, “Because the day I take the dollar… is the day they stop giving me money.”

I broke my nose last night. I walked into a crowbar. i'll tell you, those crows are really protective of who uses their pubs.

I’ve learned that silence in a relationship means one of us is thinking. And it’s not me.

So there I was watching the video... and when I heard "boom boom", I was appalled. What idiot thought of a glove puppet fox who laughs at his own jokes?

Cut my hand whilst slitting patio slabs recently. Still - Sore!

Idris Alba to be knighted after campaigning against knife crime. Wait until he sees what he gets knighted with.