Sickipedia

I'm going out on the pull tonight trying my new chat up line "Do you fancy going halves on a bastard"?

Online dating Women: I hope he's not a weirdo, or a serial killer, or needy, control freak, violent, unhygienic, unemployed, perverted, bad-tempered, ill-mannered, insecure, cheater Men: I hope she's not fat

My cousin and his new wife are massive bugs bunny fans. They met on WhatsApp.

After being fucked about for weeks I managed to get an appointment to see a doctor. As I booked in I asked the receptionist out on a date. She was thrilled to bits. I told her it would have to be a telephone one, then I would decide if I wanted to see her. See how she fucking likes it.

The waiter asked her if she'd like scalloped potatoes she replied "no thankyou I don't like seafood" It was at that point I realised she maybe just dumb enough to sleep with me.

"I was drugged and raped" is feminist for "He was much uglier when I sobered up so I didn't pay for my half of the drugs"

FELLAS: If you're keen on a girl and you think she might be the one, get her to bite on a lemon so you'll know how she'll look at you after ten years of marriage.

I once went on a date with a woman who told me she had a good sense of humour. She got us tickets to see Russell Howard and the lying bitch laughed all the way through it.

My friends have set me up on a date tonight, they told me she's a paleoanthropologist and wrote her thesis on Pleistocene man. I really want to make a good impression so I've been watching every episode of Morph I can find.

I fancied this woman in a bar last night and she promised to take me home with her, if I could undress her with a few words. I said, "There's a fucking spider in your bra."