Sickipedia

Why do so many England fans at the Andorra game have their faces painted like mini roundabouts?.

Went for a job with the RSPB. The panel asked what could I tell them about Barn Swallows. Me: Didn't he invent the Bouncing Bomb?.

That time my Dad took me fishing as a boy: 'Got him! Quick, son, get the priest!' 'Fucking hell Dad, I'm not sure fish even have souls.'

I was gutted to hear about Ricky Hatton I thought he'd found a new path after playing Shirley in Eastenders

I've been away for a while and just read the sad news on here. It's a real shame. I loved those Crocodile Dundee films.

So, yesterday was my Dad's funeral (yes, really). The service was very nice, afterwards we headed outside of the crematorium to shake hands with everyone who attended. Tell you what though, that undertaker bloke was a right weirdo. As I headed outside he said to me, 'Will you and your brothers be joining in the line-up with your Mum?' Some right sick fuckers going around...

My Austrian friend looked upset so I asked him what was up and he said there'd been a mass shooting in his homeland. 'Oh dear' I said, 'was anyone killed?' 'Nine' he replied. 'Well that's good news isn't it?' I said.

The Aga Khan, philanthropist and spiritual leader, dies aged 88. That's a pity. That 'I'm Every Woman' was a real toe-tapper.

I can identify with the shepherds in the Bible who were sore afraid at Christmas. I've had o dose myself.

Yearly check ups at the doctors can greatly improve your chances of catching prostate cancer... Why the fuck would I want to improve my chances of catching prostate cancer?