Sickipedia

Scotsman , Irish man and a welsh man walk into a bar , there’s usually an English bloke with them but he’s still in Japan

Duck walks into a bar. "Got any bread?" "No" "Got any bread?" "No" "Got any bread?" "No...and if you ask me again i'll nail your beak to the bar" "Got any nails?" "No" "Got any bread?"

"I'm sorry," said the barman, "we don't serve time travellers." A time traveller walks into a bar.

2 guys Tommy & Andy are at the deaf clinic and decide to go for a beer after getting their new hearing aids. They walk into the pub and Tommy goes up to the bar for the beers. He turns round n see's a band playing. He asks the barman, "What kind of music is that, is it pop music?" No it's not pop music replies the barman. "If its no pop music is it rock music" asks Tommy. No its not rock music replies the barman. "So if its no pop music and its no rock music, what kind of music is it" asks Tommy. Actually its Country and Western music says the barman. Tommy takes the beers and sits down wi his mate. Andy says see that band over there what music are they playing ? Is it pop music ? No it's no pop music says Tommy. If its no pop music is it rock music ? No it's no rock music says Tommy. So if its no pop music n its no rock music what kind o fucking music is it asks Andy. Tommy replies Oh the barman says it's some cunt from Preston !!!

I went to a pub with a sign that said “No WiFi, pretend it’s 1970” So I paid 12p, called the black landlord “boy” & lit up a fag.

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman 'Can I have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie ?'. The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie, he then leaves. The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round) gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves. The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman'. The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down. The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, the barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year. In walks the rabbit and says, 'A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman', smiling and accepting the tributes of the masses. The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties'. The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, 'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie'. The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it ?' The masses bated breath is ear shatteringly silent. The barman, with a roguish smile says 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends, I know you'll love it'. 'Ok' says the rabbit,' I'll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie'. The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie, he then waves to the crowd and leaves .... ..... NEVER TO RETURN !!!!!! One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his) calls time. When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar. The barman says, 'Who are you ?' To which he is answered, 'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house'. The barman says, 'I remember you, you made me famous, you would come in every night and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, masses came to see you and this place was famous.' The rabbit says, 'Yes I know'. The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead.' The rabbit said 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it'. The barman said 'You never came back, what happened ?' 'I DIED', said the Rabbit. 'NO!' said the barman, 'what from ?' After a short pause. The rabbit said... 'Mixin'-me-toasties'

ME: Whats the Wifi password? BARTENDER: You need to buy a drink first. Me: I'll have a coke. BARTENDER: Is Pepsi ok? ME: Sure...how much is that? BARTENDER: £3. ME: There you go,now what's the Wifi password? Barman: You need to buy a drink first.no spaces and all lowercase.

Afghan man, 45, marries girl aged SIX before Taliban intervene. And say he must wait until she is NINE. Afghan complains that she won't be a virgin by then.

If you go to a pub wearing a tennis outfit... you'll get served straight away

The barman last night kept calling me Aul, so I smashed his face in. Nobody takes the P out of my name.