Sickipedia

As I was paying at the till, she asked, "Would you like a bag for that?" "No," I replied, as I put the goldfish in my pocket.

It was my birthday so before our obligatory fuck, my wife dressed up in a "sexy maid's uniform" with a pinny. I was able to orgasm into the fat walrus-looking bitch thinking, "This rather does suit a Pinniped."

" £150 to have your dog put down " , said the Vet , " But you'll have to bury it yourself ". " I'll have to kill it myself " I said.

Using only a .22 pistol I survived a grizzly bear attack. My friend, who I shot in the knee, wasn't so lucky.

In a discount store yesterday, guy checking best before date of heavily reduced dog food... "So glad my dog can't read, " I said.

Everyone says about how smart rats are. They seem pretty fucking stupid to me though. I was in the pet shop earlier and they couldn't even read the sign on their enclosure that said "Don't Touch The Glass".

I used to date a woman who had a parrot. I broke up with her because of the incessant talking and shrieking. The parrot was well behaved though.

I bought a gun because I have a fear of eagles. "You're getting carried away," said my wife. "Not without a fucking fight," I replied.

My girlfriend bought a pet monkey. I said it was too dangerous but she insisted it would be fine. Then he tore her face.