Sickipedia

President Trump in hospital after being bitten by a cobra. Oh no wait! "Snake News"

So yesterday along with about a dozen other vehicles I'm driving along a country road full of bends and dips and covered in damp leaves but we are all still managing to maintain about 50mph, when out of nowhere 3 motorbikes went flying past the lot of us doing about 80mph on the other side of the road. I thought SHIT! I hope they make it, but then took some comfort from the fact that if they had all been wiped out and knocked 200 yards across a field their friends and loved one's would have known that it wasn't their fault. Fuckin car drivers.

I pray for the health of the Queen every day. I’m not a royalist or anything, but a week off in the middle of a lockdown is the last thing we need.

"I can't believe Dave's gone and I'm going to have to raise three children on my own," the young mother sobbed after the police officer informed her that Dave's truck had ploughed directly into a bus. "Don't worry," the policeman reassured her, "you won't have to do that." "What? He survived?" "No, but your children were on the bus."

Forgive me if this isn't the place to post this. (Vapeman, feel free to delete it if you think it's necessary) I'm posting this across all my social media because I think I have friends who will want to know why I won't be posting on those platforms for a while. My wife and three children were involved in an horrific car accident today. My two youngest died, and my wife and eldest are in an induced coma with severe brain injuries. So I'm sure you will all understand my absence from my usual social media haunts. I've finally got a fucking life to lead again!

George Bush's family gathered to see their patriarch solemnly interred, surrounded by that which he loved most. They shoved the coffin down an oil well.

Dear Prince Harry, I'm sorry you feel stressed about the press intrusion into your and your wife's lives. I'm sorry that it reminds you of your late mother's trials and tribulations, leading to her death and that you still find that hard to deal with. Well mate, my mother's body was found in a car park when I was 15. I don't get to whine about it on national TV and I didn't get councelling provided from the public purse. Man up and enjoy your mansions mate.

ZZ Stop...

My pet mouse, Elvis, died last night. He was caught in a trap. Now he's always on my mind.

Breaking news another McCann dead on the Iberian peninsula