Sickipedia

I was working in my shop when the cashier called me over. He said, "These two guys came in and tried to give me some fake fifty pound notes." "What did they look like?" I asked. He said, "Fifty pound notes."

I described my feminist daughter as, "Just imagine if Greta Thunberg somehow instantly gained 275 lbs, and also grew a wispy moustache." According to the police though, I'm making a compelete mockery of the missing-persons report.

If lawyers are disbarred and priests are defrocked, then: Electricians are delighted Corpses are decrypted Cowboys are deranged Models are deposed Underwear models are debriefed Dry cleaners are depressed, decreased and depleted Jilted women are debrided HVAC technicians are deducted Tennis linemen are defaulted Florists are deflowered Students are detested Hostels are debunked Spies are debugged and detailed Corporations are deformed and delimited Celibate people are delayed Chauffeurs are derided Record keepers are described Plumbers are dethroned Clerks are defiled Traffic cops are defined Naturists are denuded Election officials are devoted Accountants are decertified Builders are deconstructed Confused people are demystified Intelligence officials are declassified Interpretors for the deaf are designed Road builders are degraded Waiters are deserved Horses put out to stud are desired Castles are demoted Organ donors are delivered Anything certain is depending And if you found this funny, you're probably demented, defective and in denial.

Liverpool Mayor Joe Anderson has lost 2 brothers in the space of 6 weeks. Must be a shock, seeing as Joe looks such a picture of health...

A coworker told me this joke recently when I told him to "tell me a joke" What happens when you drink food colouring? You dye a little on the inside.

I'm so into recycling, climate change activism and green initiatives that I... Washout my condoms to reuse and pick up dog shit with my bare hands. I'm that dedicated... I don't even have a dog or a girlfriend. Nod to HetPaard.

A man phones the doctor about his hearing aid, but gets no answer. The doctor phones the man back shortly after and says, "You called?" The man thinks for a second, then says, "No, pretty warm, actually."

Coldplay's Chris Martin has fallen through a stage trapdoor during an Australian concert. I can only hope it happened during a rendition of 'Fix You'

King Charles charges the cash-strapped NHS £11.4 million to store its ambulances on his land. All that because he had to go private.

Fuck, just heard there Jesy Nelson has left Littlemix.