Sickipedia

A Jewish man was on a ladder doing some painting , and a Two Pound coin fell out of his pocket. When he got to the bottom to retrieve it, the Coin hit him on the head.

Martian walks in a bar , " I'll have a pint please" We don't serve Martians replies the Barman. " look I had a long day, I've got bundles of money to spend" We don't serve Martians replies the Barman, " look I will pay for everyone's drinks all night if you serve me". The Pub being abit strapped for cash , the Barman reluctantly agrees. At the end of the night the Barman says " that'll be 2 grand please" the Martian replies " You got Change of a Gronk?"

My Wife asked, what I thought about all these sick fucks making jokes about the hurricane in Florida ? I replied "Irma not happy about it"

So I went to the bank yesterday, " gimme Some FUCKING money you FAT UGLY SLAG" I exclaimed to the clerk.She Then puts £10,000 in a plastic bag for me. So I thought I would treat My Wife to a Diamond ring . Being in a bit of a rush "Gimme that £5000 ring you BIG NOSE JEWISH CUNTBAG" I hailed . With that he hands me the ring and cries "just go". I tell you what everyone's been ever so nice since my Tourette's started.

A Senior doctor was inspecting a mental asylum. Upon inspection everything seemed above board. He then spotted a great big wall in the recreation area , with a patient working on it. He asks the patient "did you build this wall?" Yes replies the patient. Well this is outstanding craftsmanship " how long did this take you? 13 years he replies. The doctor in awe of his work, tells the patient he shouldn't be in the asylum, you are clearly a sane and able man and I will go too see the governor and tell him to release you straight away. Thank you says the patient . As the inspector walks off , the patient hurls a brick into the back of the inspectors head . The inspector bloodied and dazed turns around and the patient shouts "Dont forget to tell him will ya"

A man buys a parrot from a pet shop, and the shop owner warns him the parrot is from London and thinks he is a hardcore hooligan. For four days straight, the parrot is screeching, "I'm hard as fuck,I'm from London" and "What you looking at, you cunt?" The man, sick of this, wants to teach the parrot a lesson so he puts a crow in the parrot's cage and goes to bed. In the morning he finds the crow dead and the parrot screeching, "I'm hard as fuck, I'm from London." So the man decides to put a big seagull in the cage with the parrot. He comes back down in the morning to find the seagull dead and the parrot chanting, "I'm as hard as fuck, I'm from London." This time the man thought, "Fuck this!" and put a giant bald eagle in the cage. In the morning he looks at the cage and finds the eagle dead and the parrot with no feathers. The parrot looks at him and says, "I had to take my jacket off for that cunt!"

I said to my pal the other day , " It's amazing how much a cup of tea and a blowjob have in common" how so?he replies." well every time I'm round your house your mum offers me one !"

I'm starting a new religion . All men have to wear balaclavas , women must have their tits and fannies out at all times. We only eat Pork and drink alcohol. Our holy temple is a Great big fuck off pub! Now which London borough should we take over first?

My wife asked me "what you doing with those snooker balls ?" Just gonna show you a magic trick I replied." You know I'm not into all that magic shit" . "Well this trick is gonna knock you for six !!"i exclaimed excitedly. " okay then , so what's the sock for ? "