Sickipedia

Me and my mate were walking down the street a few steps behind a girl in a Monkees t-shirt. "Any minute now, that daft bitch is going to trip and fall" said my mate. I didn't believe him. Then I saw her lace ... Credit to the genius that started these

Q: What is orange and can't negotiate peace, can't release the JFK files and can't stop immigration? A: An orange

I have one New Year's resolution - to give more consideration to Muslims. My target is at least 2 paki jokes per day.

You set my Seoul alight.

I stole three sandwiches from the local paki shop this week so I could feed my kids. But now I feel really guilty. My kids could get all kids of diseases eating stuff from a place like that.

Burglar alarms in the past - let the neighbours know your house is being broken into and to rush to your aid. Burglar alarms today - let the neighbours know there was a power cut in the night and to reset the clock on the oven.

Toilet's blocked. - Tough shit.

Vulodymere and his Ukranian family are in constant terror. Gunshots keep them awake at night. Venturing outdoors means risk of beating, rape or death. The economy has collapsed along with law and order. One thought is senior as they stare out of their Salford hotel window ... we should have stayed in Kiev

On a recent visit to Kensington Palace, Prince Harry and Meghan took a stroll through the grounds. Seeing an old, shortsighted gardener had dropped some tools from his wheelbarrow a short distance from where he was trying to dig a hole with a trowel, Harry picked them up and walked over. Excuse me, you might find it easier to use this spade, he said with a smile. That's very kind, Sir, thank you, said the gardener. Turning to Meghan, he said, find yourself a shovel darling and I'll show you where to get digging.

The best pair of tits I ever saw was on a girl from Greater Manchester. Oldham? No, she wouldn't let me.