Sickipedia

"No, thanks. I'm a vegetarian." is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.

Remember when you were a kid and you used to blow bubbles in the bath? Well, Bubbles is out of prison now and he's looking for you...

I would post a joke about having a stroke but I don't want to let the side down...

BBC News: 'Boris Johnson's ethics adviser quits' I'm shocked - Boris had an ethics advisor?!

The Rwandan government have defended their decision to take in asylum seekers from the UK saying it is 'neither immoral, nor a punishment'. I agree - If the UK government wanted to punish them, they'd send them to Liverpool!

"Wallet," I said patting my trouser pocket. "Keys, mobile, passports." "What about the kids," shouted my wife. "F*ck 'em. The house is well ablaze now!"

Can't wait to see the Ukrainian and Russian teams at the next paralympics...

Guns n Roses are to release a parody single of 'Knocking on Heavens Door', in honour of those killed trying to flee Afghanistan at Kabul airport. 'Falling from a C4' will be released on Friday...

'In the UK, someone falls down stairs every 90 seconds' Move them into a bungalow. Clumsy cunt!

Piracy is killing the music industry. You try playing the guitar with a hook...