Sickipedia

The BBC have just held a minutes’ silence for all the people who have died of Coronavirus. Not quite as emotional as the 40 years of silence they had for victims of child sexual abuse by their staff

Not long til Oscar Pistoreus will be returning to the Paralympics. Did anyone see how Reeva Steenkamp did in the Paranormalympics this year?

Sir Queer Stoma has apologised to Boris Johnson for the loss of his mother today. And declared that if Labour were in government; she would still be alive because they would have developed a cure for death.

One Saturday, I got up early to go fishing but heavy rain and wind forced me to cancel. I quietly undressed and slipped back into bed, cuddling up to my wife. "Terrible weather out there," I whispered. Without turning around she replied, "Can you believe my idiot husband went out fishing in this?"

I just saved money on my car insurance by switching to reverse gear and getting the fuck out of there before they got my number plate.

As the weather is so hot I asked the Evri delivery driver if he'd like a bottle of cold water. When he said yes I drop-kicked it over a fence into my neighbour's rose bush and told him I'd left it in a designated safe space.

If going into space for 3 minutes makes you an astronaut, then I'm a gynaecologist

Constipation isn’t my favourite health condition. But it’s definitely a solid number two.

The police have decided not to fine Sir Queer Stoma and MANgela Raynor despite seeing videos of them holding a massive indoor booze up which would have meant them having to resign their positions. The police then went on to thank the Labour Party for their huge donation to their Christmas party fund.

While watching "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire" in bed, I turned to my wife and asked, "Want to have sex?" Without even glancing my way, she replied, "No." "Is that your final answer?" I asked. "Yes," she said firmly. "Alright," I said, "then I’d like to phone a friend." And that’s when the fight began.