Sickipedia

I'm fat but I identify as slim. I'm translender.

TIP OF THE DAY: Fed up of waiting in long queues? Want to reduce the amount of time you waste waiting to be served? Cough loudly and say “It’s got progressively worse since I got back from China”

Happy New Year 2020! You just know Nicola Sturgeon is complaining somewhere about Scotland being dragged out of 2019 against their will.

I tried a bit of finger painting today. I wish I hadn't bothered now. It's taken me 12 hours to do one door frame.

I put my 5 year old daughter inside a Muslim nursery for 3 hours while I went the pub. Mistake. Now I have to pay for a fucking wedding.

BREAKING: 99-year-old army veteran Captain Tom Moore has raised more than £20m for the NHS by doing 100 laps of his garden. Manchester Utd are reportedly eyeing him up as a replacement for Jesse Lingard.

Layla Moran announces her bid to become party leader of the Lib Dems. I’m sure Fred, Daphne, Shaggy and Scooby will all miss her

Saw Emile Heskey in Tesco earlier. Went to push his trolley through the door but put it wide

In case you missed it, here are the key players in the new cabinet: Chancellor - Dominic Cummings Foreign Sec - Dominic Cummings Home Sec - Dominic Cummings Education - Dominic Cummings Defence - Dominic Cummings Prime Minister - Dominic Cummings No 10 Cat - Dominic Cummings

BREAKING: 20 year old rapper Pop Smoke killed in an apparent armed robbery at his home. His girlfriend, Pop Tart, is said to be in bits