Sickipedia

I grew up in a single mom household. Having two moms would have been quite weird.

"Tonight, I'll do anything you want," winked my wife. "But only tonight!" Crafty bitch. It was 11:59.

"Women in your area are desperate to meet you now." As well as their family members, I reckon. I've been outed as the town rapist.

I uploaded a picture of my 10 year old daughter on Facebook. Someone commented: "Beautiful! I can see a lot of you in her." I wrote back: "I've got footage if you'd like."

My dad was a "Scratch my back, I'll scratch yours" kind of guy. Honorable man, terrible masseur.

I took a girl back to my place last night. An hour later, she said, "That was the best shag ever. I've never seen such a huge dick." "I told you it'd be fantastic," I replied. There was an awkward silence, before she finally said, "Are you gonna fuck me, then, or are we watching porn all night?"

Fucked some girl up the arse with a rubber last night. Now my pencil smells of shit.

My wife frowned at me for farting during family dinner last night. "Oh, come on," I smiled, "A little bit of fun doesn't hurt, does it?" Smiling at the kids, I burped out loud, expecting a chuckle out of them. Turns out nobody in that entire restaurant had a sense of humour.

After sex last night, my girlfriend said to me, "That was a right good shag. You are so good at this!" I said, "Thank you." She asked. "Why did you insist we turn off the light, though?" "Oh, no reason," I replied, signalling Winston and Jamal to hide under the bed.

5 years after coming out of the closet, my dad found out and was shrewdly disappointed. My blowjobs were still sloppy.