Sickipedia

Being a carnivore, I like to have the whole carcass to get lots of variety: ribs, liver, kidney, and all different types of joint straight off the bone. God, I’m lucky to have a missus that miscarries so often.

I’ve been swapping labels around on the wife’s spice jars. She may not know anything about it yet but, mark my words — the thyme is cumin.

Fenwick’s are relocating their London head office to the Shard.

I’ve no idea what sort of music Hers produced but I’m assuming it was, sort of, middle of the road?

I got the wife tested for Tourette’s but the results came back negative. Turns out I am a cunt and she does want me to fuck off.

People who switch from full-cream dairy butter to low-fat plant-based spread have a 77% chance of successfully eradicating all forms of enjoyment from their lives.

“Phwoor, I wouldn’t mind having a tit-wank off that Barbara Windsor”. “Er, she died ages ago, and her decomposing body will be teeming with worms and maggots”. “I know”.

In the park my girlfriend hates it when I sneak up behind her and thrust my erection into her back. Although, admittedly, the police have said I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.

On his show, Michael Parkinson never had Jeremy Paxman’s presence. But, ironically, Paxman now has Parkinson’s.

... and on a more positive note, Johnny Depp has just been offered a lucrative sponsorship deal with Stella Artois.