Sickipedia

My daughter is really missing the sun. She has just lined up all her dolls facing out the window towards our outside grill. I think she’s preparing some sort of Barbie Queue.

My wife has been on a diet for the last few weeks so today I asked her how it was going. “Not well!” She replied, “I had 7 eggs for breakfast this morning!” “Oh dear! We’re they hard boiled?” I asked “No!” She replied “Easter eggs!”

My wife has been mad at me for 3 weeks now because I didn’t open the car door and help her mother out. I told her I’m sorry but I just panicked and swam for the surface!

I just went to the doctors with a lettuce stuck up my bum. All he did was put a dressing on it!

Son: Why is my sister called Teresa? Dad: Coz your mum loves Easter - it's an anagram Son: Thanks dad Dad: No problem Alan

Last night I walked into the bedroom holding two aspirin and a glass of water. My girlfriend said, "What’s that for?" I replied "It’s for your headache." She said "I don"t have a headache!" I said "Fancy a shag then?"

I said to my mate, "The wife has been saying she wants a threesome." He said, "Excellent stuff, what have you said to her?" "I said if she can find two people desperate enough to fuck her, then she should go for it!"

They threw me out of the cinema yesterday for bringing my own food. Come on – the prices are way too high, plus I haven’t had a barbecue in months!

Just bought Cluedo "Swingers Edition"... Turns out they all did it... In every room!

A friend of mine just told me that she's got swelling on her arse, legs and boobs. I thought..whoa...too much inflammation!