Sickipedia

Got pulled over for speeding. "I've been waiting for you all day." He said "Well, I got here as fast as I could...."

Next time I'm about to fuck a girl I'm gonna hang crime scene tape across the bedroom door. Just to see how she reacts. You know, for science.

I wonder how many dolts still go to .org and make a stupid sad face because their friends are asking why they aren't funny anymore...

I don't understand the legs and eggs thing at strip clubs. Come near me with that thing while I'm eating and I'll stab you with a fork.

I had Stephen Hawking in my death pool. No, wait. It was just my pool.

Easter, the most thrown together holiday: "Jesus isn't in the cave! What do we do?" "Fuck, man! I don't know.. kill a pig and eat it maybe?" "Fine, but Wtf do we tell the kids?" "Idk.... Just blame a rabbit." "But the kids will be mad at the rabbit!" "Nope, we'll say he brought them candy." "In what? They have no pockets.." "Just grab me that fucking basket and STFU"

My wife hated my addiction to court porn. I’m glad we finally came to a decision.

My wife used to hate my addiction to court porn. I’m glad we finally came to a decision.

When your phone rings and you take it out of your pocket like you’re diffusing a bomb so you don’t accidentally answer

It sucks when you put on 2 stone to play in a film, then realize you're not even an actor.