Sickipedia

Daeshing through the crowds In a one horse open truck Maiming as you go Giving not a fuck Lots of ugly scenes At the new year sales Down in New Orleans Everybody wails Oh, Islamists, Islamists Give us all a break Stick to fucking nine year olds And goats for goodness sake Oh, Islamists, Islamists Go back whence you came Don't blame us that you're fucked up Mohammed is to blame

I'm sure I'm not alone in finding it amusing that you can buy cards to celebrate Hanukkah and Eid on Moonpig.

Even if you utterly detest Archer's schnapps, never tell anyone. You'd be done for hates peach.

I think someone on this site should go on "Fool us" with Pen & Teller, because they are managing to downvote even though there's no longer a downvote button. It's miraculous.

They should broaden the remit of the spacker Olympics to include separate categories for chicks with dicks and chaps with flaps. Problem solved.

The BBC have asked Huw Edwards to return the salary he was paid between his arrest and his resignation. If that doesn't work, a proven way of getting wads of money out of him is to WhatsApp him pics of naked boys.

A friend sat me down today and broke the news that he's been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. It's made me very sad, because I know it's just the first of many times I'll have to listen to him breaking that news.

If we have a cold winter, Kier Starmer is going to fuck more grannies than Wayne Rooney could ever dream of.

I have my eye on a flashy property on the coast. Easy to maintain, too. Only a little light housekeeping required.

It sometimes works in your favour if you give people what they expect rather than surprising them. So now I always wear a cock ring to keep my bell-end purple, and I've dyed my pubes green.