Sickipedia

I don't like to brag about my wealth, but yesterday, I had the heating on

A couple are about to go out on their first date Him: "How about I take you to a Michelin starred restaurant, and we have caviar, champagne or whatever you like?" Her: "I don't need all of that, let's just go for a romantic drive instead" Him: "Oh, sorry but I wasn't thinking of spending that kind of money!"

I fried an egg on a car bonnet today which taught me 2 things (1) It really is hot enough to fry an egg on a car bonnet (2) People get annoyed when you drop eggs on their car

Americans, "We've remembered 9/11 for 20 years and will never let the world forget it" Liverpudlians, "Amateurs"

John McAfee found dead. Are they sure he's dead? Have they tried turning him off and on again?

When the sun in the sky, s'like a big pizza pie, that's glaucoma

It's very confusing when you're in an S&M session with someone fluent in French and English, and halfway through they scream, "Mercy!"

"So Mr Bond, it appears you have made an error, an error that will cost you dearly" "And what might that be?" "Before you came here, you forgot to switch your central heating off"

Congratulations Boris. I'm sure you'll show this child all the love and attention that your other children have enjoyed over the years

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? There's no need to, that glass ceiling lets in loads of light