Sickipedia

If you want to save money this Christmas, now is the perfect time to tell the kids that Santa didn't make it through the pandemic.

"Ladies and gents." That concludes our tour of the toilets.

I've just opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that's been advertised.

I’ve decided to dress as a different bread everyday next week. Roll on Monday.

My wife bought us tickets to see Jo Brand, and I'll admit it, I pissed myself. Any excuse to leave early.

I was at a job interview today, and towards the end of it, the interviewer asked me, "Have you any weaknesses?" I said, "I always let myself down at interviews." He said, "I think you are doing OK." I said, "You would you stupid fuck!"

I started my new job as a bingo caller last night and halfway through calling the numbers I farted loudly. My boss immediately came over and whispered in my ear, "Don't do that again." "Sorry," I said, "It must be the nerves." "Fair enough," he replied, "But there was no need to hold the microphone to your arse."

Pretend you're Les Dennis by putting your arm around a stranger at a train station and looking up at the departures board.

I find a bit of sick pleasure in holding the door for people that are still far away to force them into an awkward run.

'Single mums in your area are desperate to meet you now'. Too fucking right they do, I'm a benefits advisor.