Sickipedia

Jose Mourinho has said he wants to go back to Portugal and never be seen or heard from again. The McCanns have offered to help.

I walked in the bedroom to find my wife dead in the bed the other day. Looking at her lifeless there, I decided to have one last go. Right in the middle she opened her eyes and shouted BOO! Honestly, some people are fucking sick in the head.

Chicks on tinder vs Dudes on tinder

My girlfriends dog just died so I got her an identical one. Now she's got two dead dogs.

Paul Gascogne has just arrived at the Houses of Parliament with a fishing rod, 8 cans of lager and a chicken.

Girls on tinder : 999 notifications. Guys on tinder: 1 notification. Click open “Wow tinder is on fire in your area! Chances of a match is 3x higher" 0 matches.

A Cuddly toy, a television, a microwave, a washing machine, a coffin...

So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet. A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?" "Yup." "What if you miss?" He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..." "Okay, we'll I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel together right now." "Let's go," the assassin says. So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope. "They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off." The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot. "Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks. "Hold on a minute. I think I can save you $10,000."

The thing I hate most about London is the public transport. You wait for ages for a bloody bus and then you get stabbed.

What do the Jewish race and an overdue essay have in common? Both should have been finished off a long time ago