Sickipedia

I wonder how much Poundland sold for

Just been asked who I want to win tonight Man U or Spurs, I said its like asking me who I want to babysit my kids, Gary Glitter or Jimmy Savile

Alex Salmond in his hotel room an hour before his death was heard bashing and tugging away frantically but still couldn't finish the job. His wife said, give it here I'll get it done . She used her right hand then left hand then both knees but still couldn't finish the job. Just then a hotel Bellboy entered the room, saw what was going on and said, give it here I'll get the job done. He used his right hand then his left hand then his mouth but still couldn't open the ketchup bottle

Middle Eest latest - After being heavily grilled overnight by Palestine terrorists. The Israeli sausages are starting to crack

News headline - Baby killed by pet dog named by police. I thought that's the parents job isn't it

Sir Ian McKellen ok after theatre accident. He later joked about his early acting days saying this is not the first time I've bruised a bone while entering Noel Coward's trap door

Coincidentally I too write messages for Hallmark Here is my - Your New Born Baby Is A Spastic card. Your little bundle of joy will always be an embarrassment cos it's a mong or thalidomide. Try smothering it with a pillow or poison it with formaldehyde Nod to Sticky

After a private funeral Warwick Davis has asked the public to join him in the scattering of his wife's ashes over her favorite bonsai tree

10 years ago the unknown Rosie Jones offered to nosh me off for a fiver. She dropped to her knees and all I could hear was Shlurp Shlop Aah Shlurp Shlop Aah. I said, hang on love I haven't got my knob out yet

Surgeon - so what seems to be your problem ? Princess of Wales - I have pains in my tummy. Surgeon - I need to look at your vagina