Sickipedia

I pushed all the chips I had left in on the poker table, the dealer looked at me and said, "Is that all you've got?" I said, "Yes, I've got nothing more..." "What about your ante?" He asked. "Hold on!" I said, excusing myself while I made a quick phone call.. A few moments later I came back to the table.. He said, "Well?" I said, "Nah, she ain't got shit either."

I saw two women throwing some shapes to my rave music outside my house today, so I decided to go out and join them. "Yes, yes, ladies," I said, shuffling my feet and waving my hands in the air, "you like a bit of techno?" They both stopped and stared at me like I was some looney... Turns out they were both deaf.

"It's raining, nan," I said as I took off my jacket and gave my Nana a kiss... "Tell me something I don't known, Stephen." She replied. "I sometimes like to stick a finger up my arse while I masturbate, nan." I told her.

I thought I'd test my friend's, new found, vegan, moral hypocrisy, and asked, "Would you fuck a sexy butcher for ten grand.." "Of course," he replied, "I'd get on my hands and knees and rim the fuck out of Pat Butcher for ten grand."

He fucks who he wants.. He fucks who he waaaaaaaannntts.. That boy Ronaldo, he fucks who he wants.

Me and my wife were both a bit worse for wear last night when she said, "Ive got a surprise for you..." A few moments later she emerged from the bathroom, naked, "Fancy trying some anal?" She asked seductively. "No, thanks," I replied, "I'm not that drunk." "Suit yourself." She said as she waddled back out with her 12 inch strap on.

It was my day off today, so my wife text me from her work, and asked if I'd draw her a bath, for when she gets home... I think you know where this one's going.

Does anybody know which actor played Forrest Gump? Thanks

My daughter, the proud school football cheerleader, came down the stairs this morning, I said, "Give me an E.." She said, "E" "Give me and F.." "F" "Give me another E.." "E" "Give me a U" "U" "And another E..." "E.." "What have we got?" She said, "That doesn't spell anything, dad.." I said, "I know, I just opened your exam results."

Me and my girlfriend were talking names for our baby, she said, "I want something original!" I said, "How about Werthers?"