Sickipedia

"Janet across the road has just called me in and showed me her tits, " I said to my wife. "WHAT! I'll fucking kill her, " she yelled, and stormed out of the house. Oh dear, I hope she doesn't damage her aviary!

Two Scousers are on holiday in Amsterdam and visit a brothel. "Have you got a fat, ginger bird with no teeth, a heroin addiction and a minge like a vandalised bus seat?" They ask. "You boys are really kinky," says the madam. "Are we fuck!" they reply. "We're looking for our mum."

I'm not calling my wife fat but she woke me up at 3am this morning saying that she thought there were some burgers downstairs!

I think my wife has turned into a massive James Bond fan! I popped home from work on my lunch break yesterday and heard her in the bedroom shouting "OH YES...ROGER MOOORREE!!!"

I went on a rollercoaster and the woman next to me wouldn't stop screaming. Seriously, it was like she'd never seen a penis before!

"Now pay attention 007 this may look like an ordinary pen, but turn it upside down and you can see her tits!"

I was about to pull out of a parking space when I asked my wife, "Are there any cars approaching?" "No," she said, looking out of the passenger window. As I manoeuvred onto the road she added, "Just a lorry!"

Why are there so many beautiful women in Scandinavia? Because the Vikings left all the ugly fuckers in Scotland!

How do you get a homosexual to Shag a woman? Shit in her cunt.

In fairness the CIA is less deceptive than most girls Facebook profile pictures!