Sickipedia

I was working in my shop when the cashier called me over. He said, "These two guys came in and tried to give me some fake fifty pound notes." "What did they look like?" I asked. He said, "Fifty pound notes."

A man phones the doctor about his hearing aid, but gets no answer. The doctor phones the man back shortly after and says, "You called?" The man thinks for a second, then says, "No, pretty warm, actually."

I had a meeting with my son's headteacher. I slammed my hand on the desk. "My son...Nick...came home from school with ash on his clothes. He seemed mildly stimulated, too." "Nicotine?" he asked me. I said, "Not even that, he's twelve."

I asked the Colonel what the lowest rank in the army was. He said, "It's Private." I said, "Come on, you can tell me."

I hate it when men treat sex objects as women

I'm not sure if you knew this, but if you rearrange the letters in LGBT... You'll probably offend someone.

I like Freudian slips as much as the next gay.

A woman sat next to me at the bar. "Have you ever done drugs?" I asked her. She frowned at me. "No," she replied, taking a sip of her water. "You have now," I replied.

I can't tell you how long I've been in this clock repair shop for.

I wonder what went off in Thomas Edison's head before he invented the light bulb.